Monday, February 16, 2015

The Date That Would Not End

My husband has always been great taking our daughters out on special daddy-daughter dates, especially if one of them seems to be needing extra attention. Our younger daughter has been angry and emotional lately (both of her siblings spent time in the hospital this month, so it most likely stemmed from that), so Daddy took her on the best kind of date- the free kind.

They loaded up in the car with the plan of hanging out with the snakes at Pet Co. She really likes snakes, but due to my crippling fear of them, this is the closest she will ever get to having one. A little while after they left, I spotted them coming up to the door...with plastic sacks in tow. Lovely. So much for free.

"Mommy! Daddy got both of us girls fish!".

I cringed inwardly, but gave her my best smile. My mind wandered back to the first time we had a pet fish a few years ago, Cherry. A month after we got it, the fish jumped into the garbage disposal during the tank cleaning. We had to be sneaky and replace it. A few months later my oldest daughter was in the hospital for a few weeks, so nobody fed Cherry 2. When I found his rotting body, he had been dead for a long time. We ended up chucking the tank and all. I put off telling my daughters, until they finally asked where he was. I told them he passed away, was swimming in Heaven. I told them we buried him under the rose bush so we would think of him every time they flowers bloomed, or some kind of crap like that.

So, Daddy and the girls are putting their new fishes, Valentine and Peaches, in the tank. They seemed to hit it off. Until we found my oldest girl's fish dead the next morning. She was so upset, so Daddy took her to buy another one. She named it Cinnamon.

It died the next day.

I rushed out, once again, to replace the replacement fish. We opted to keep this death a secret and just buy a matching red fish. We slipped it into the tank, proud to not get caught. Until...

"Mom! My fish got HUGE! He must really like his food. This is so amazing!".

My husband and I shared a smile and a mental high five. We'll see how long this one lasts. Just to be safe, when I was offered the Pet Co membership card, I accepted. I guess parenting now means replacing a fish every other day.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

The Penis Story

I thought for the first time last night, that God's probably rolling his eyes at me on a regular basis. 

It started with my husband leaning out the parlor (well, homeschool/music room in our 1920s house) window smoking his pipe. It's too cold for him to go to the porch, and I live in fear our furniture will smell like the thrift store it came from if he smokes inside. So, we compromise and he leans out the window, pipe in mouth, and I shiver under a blanket on the recliner. So, there he is smoking and he starts gagging. I just ignored him. To be fair, he does weird things on a regular basis. Plus, I was watching "Parks and Rec" and Leslie and Ann were saying goodbye. I finally asked him if he was okay and faintly heard a "". Took me a few minutes to register what he said since, again, I was watching my show. 

I went into the parlor/school/music room and noticed he was leaning back in his chair, not looking right. He told me he was very sweaty and needed a cool rag. I placed one over his bearded face and turned on the light. His forehead was eerily white. I worked up the courage to pull the rag off his face and OH MY GOSH. It looked liked the corpse of my spouse and it terrified me to the core. I quickly put the wet cloth back on his face so I didn't have to look at his paleness. 

All I could think was, "Low blood pressure....low blood pressure". Considering I took first aid 3 times in high school to get out of gym, I couldn't remember a single thing. So, I did the first thing any first aid educated, level headed wife would do. 

I grabbed his penis. 

I figured, if anything could bring his blood pressure up, that should do it.

It didn't.

He quietly instructed me to lead him to the couch and put his feet up at a higher level than his head. I quickly obeyed, leaving his face covered for my own comfort. His color did eventually return and I told him he better call his doctor in the morning or else (he didn't). 

We later laughed about my attempt to save his life with the grab-the-penis technique. I imagined God was rolling his eyes and my ridiculous-ness as well. 

This experience was almost as pathetic as the time I bought my 4 year old daughter a bumblebee costume at a thrift store for Halloween. It wasn't until I saw her wearing it at her ballet class's costume party that I realized I was a juniors' sexy bee costume.

Wife and Mother of the Year Award? Nailed it!